


What Have I Done?

by floatingpetals



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bondage, Bucky gets a little protective, Daddy Kink, Developing Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Forced Orgasm, Hand Jobs, Handcuffs, Hurt/Comfort, Orgasm Denial, Past Relationship Abuse, Pet Names, Possessive Behavior, Self-Doubt, Smut, Spanking, Verbal Abuse, abusive ex girlfriend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-05 11:06:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16809385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floatingpetals/pseuds/floatingpetals
Summary: A bad break up between Bucky and his ex leads to a new friendship with the quiet tech he never had the chance to get to know. Relationships grow, feelings are caught, and boundaries are explored. Bucky thought he found his happy ending, but old memories haunt his future. He knows what he’s doing wrong, dangerous eve, but he can’t help it. Can he fix the wrongs he’s done





	1. Chapter 1

“I’ve had enough! We’re done!”

Y/N flinched, burring her face further into her book. She tried not to show she heard the exchange between the two and attempted to shrink herself far enough down on the couch where she was curled up on in the living room. It must have worked, she heard the heavy rapid footsteps of Vivian and the lighter but just as fast steps of Bucky come down the hall to the elevator on the other side of the living room.

“Wait, Viv-.” Bucky pleaded. Y/N’s heart broke at how utterly destroyed he sounded, but she stayed put as she unintentionally eavesdropped.

“Don’t call me that!” Vivian hissed with disgust. “I hate it whenever you call me that.”

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-.”

“You didn’t mean, you didn’t mean!” Vivian mocked in high pitched voice. Y/N heard Bucky taking in a shuddering breath, a sob slipping past his lips. “Ugh, I’m so sick and tired of hearing you cry! Do you have any idea how grating that sound is? Especially when you hear it every fucking night!”

Y/N’s blood ran cold, stunned. Who the fuck did this woman think she was? How dare she talk to Bucky that way! He wasn’t her verbal punching bag, she had no right to treat him like this! Y/N had to Smother the need to pop up out of her hiding spot and rip into the woman, instead, she waited and listened in horror.

“All I do is listen to you scream at night, whining about the pain. I can’t stand another evening where I can’t get any sleep! Not to mention how fucking clingy you are! You smother me in my sleep and I can’t take any more of it!” Vivian’s voice was raised in an ear-piercing volume, harsh and bitter. All the while, Bucky said nothing while the woman he thought loved him ripped into him. “I don’t know what I ever saw in you. You’re such a waste of my time.”

Now Y/N always thought she was a calm person, who never got into fights. She wasn’t that kind of person. Yes, she worked with the Avengers, but solely as their behavioral analyst. She’s never been a field agent, had no need to. Blood made her squeamish and just the thought of hurt someone made her stomach turn, except right now she was ready to leap across the back of the couch and see the red pour like a river from Vivian’s nose after connecting her fist to the woman’s face. Y/N didn’t give two damns the woman could probably kill her with her pinky finger, she had no right to talk to Bucky like that. Nevertheless, Y/N once again froze.

“No wait, please Viv- I mean Vivian.” Bucky pleaded, hastily correcting himself. Vivian made a noise of disgust over him speaking. “I’m sorry, I can be better. I swear. Just don’t- don’t leave me please.”

Vivian didn’t respond, and Y/N could only hear the occasional sob from Bucky. Finally, the woman scoffed, breaking the silence.

“You’re pathetic, and not worth anyone’s time.”

Y/N felt her heart shatter along with Bucky’s, his strangled gasp pulled tears to her eyes. She heard the elevator door open and shut, most likely with Vivian inside leaving Bucky behind. Once the doors slid shut, it was like the dam broke inside Bucky.

His heartbreaking sobs bounced off the walls of the living room, a sound she never imagined she’d ever heard coming from him. As much as she wanted to reach out, to hold him tight and tell him everything alright, she wussed out like always. She couldn’t make her body listen instead was forced to listen to him break down in the middle of the hall before he managed to stumble his way to his room. She didn’t hear the door shut, but when his sobs were finally silenced, and she assumed he had gently closed it behind him.

She let out a breath of air, every muscle in her body still tensed and jittery. That was harrowing having to sit through. Y/N not once thought she’d be privy with that look in Bucky’s life on a Sunday evening and she knew she just witnessed something incredibly private. Y/N felt dirty and wrong, more importantly, she felt actual pain for Bucky, someone she hardly said two works to in the two years he’d been a part of the team.

When she joined the Avengers five years ago, Bucky still hadn’t made it in the picture. When he finally did, it was a turbulent change in the group. He kept to himself, preferring to watch from the back corner of the room. He jumped at every noise, froze when someone other than Steve or Sam talked directly to him, and hated eye contact. It scared the hell out of him. The group was always on edge around him, worried he’d snap at any given moment. It didn’t help him feel comfortable, which in turn made it harder for the team.

Y/N herself was the definition of a shy introvert, which is a reason she never really talked to him. She liked staying at home on the weekend reading books, she hated going to parties for many reasons including that she’d have mini panic attacks when someone new walked up to her, and quite frankly, Bucky intimidated the hell out of her. That being said, she did always think he was cute and sometimes she’d find herself lost in his blue eyes when he wasn’t paying attention. Natasha noticed, but Y/N vehemently denied that there was anything more to it. She hardly knew the man.

Over time, Bucky grew more confident, gained a sense of independence and managed to not bolt every time someone talked to him. Then he met Vivian. At the time, she was still a fresh agent, never having been in the field. She was starry-eyed, happy, and at the time, she seemed like the person Bucky needed. Y/N never would admit it aloud, but something about Vivian set her teeth on edge. She couldn’t quite put her finger on whatever it was, but over time Y/N saw what Vivian was hiding.

Bucky needed someone who was there to call him out retreating in his mind, someone that pulled him to the present. In the beginning, Vivian did just that. She managed to help him find his footing and it was like the man from the 40s came back. However, Y/N saw but mostly heard the words that came from Vivian’s mouth.

It began as reminders not to sink back in the darkness, then it turned into telling him he’s worthless. He was an affectionate person, having been starved of a loving touch for so long. At first, Vivian didn’t mind. It morphed into her snapping at him when he’d be what she deemed ‘too clingy’ and shove him away. Hurt would flash on his face, but it would melt away. Bucky adored Vivian. Vivian tolerated Bucky. Until now it seemed. Y/N had wondered how long it would take for them to split. For a year, Y/N listened to Vivian berate and belittle Bucky. But he took it, like the love-sick puppy he was. Maybe he thought he’d never find anyone else? It was uncertain, but Y/N didn’t expect the break up to be like this.

It didn’t take Y/N long to come to a decision, she knew what was needed to be done. Closing her book, she walked to the elevator and took it to the kitchen. There she grabbed a few water bottles, her stash of chocolates and a bag of potato chips. Going back to the elevator she went back to her and Bucky’s shared floor to stop in her room to grab a box of tissues before she stepped up to Bucky’s.

She could hear his sobs now, even through the thick door. When she knocked, the sound cut short. Y/N heard his rapid heavy footsteps before the door swung open to reveal Bucky’s hopeful face. Tears stained his cheeks, his eyes bright red and blotchy. Y/N wanted to throw everything to the ground a give him a bone-crushing hug. When Bucky saw Y/N standing there instead of the women he was hoping was for, his face fell a touch before shifting into confusing. Y/N had barely spoken with him, and while he thought she seemed nice enough, he wasn’t sure why she was there at his door. He looked at the items in her arms and was even more confused.

“Oh, uh…” He sniffed, whipping his nose with the back of his hands. “Y/N?”

“Hey.” Y/N smiled softly, taking in his appearance. He looked exhausted and absolutely heartbroken. “Can I come in?”

“Um.” Bucky began, stopping to swallow down more tears. “Tonight’s not really the best night.”

Y/N frowned slightly but didn’t let this faze her. Sucking in a deep breath while shoving down the voice telling her to tuck her tail and run, she shook her head and smile softly.

“I know.” She spoke sadly. “I um… I was on the couch.”

Realization dawned on him, and he shrank back embarrassed. “Oh.”

“And I figured you needed someone there for you.” Y/N rushed to say before he shut her out. “I know we don’t talk ever, but I know what it’s like when you get your heart stomped on. You don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to, I can be here for moral support. I just thought we could sit and eat chocolate and fatty chips, maybe watch some Netflix until you feel a little better.”

Bucky was quiet, looking Y/N over as she shifted from foot to foot. He could tell she wasn’t entirely comfortable, yet she was still standing here offering her support. He sensed no malice and even didn’t seem like she was pitying him. She looked genuinely concerned and was ready to just be there as a comforting shoulder to lean on. A shoulder he desperately needed.

Y/N wasn’t expecting him to reply, so when he nodded and stepped aside she was surprised. He motioned for her to enter his room and she shook off her shock to step into his room. She didn’t wait for him to follow and b-lined to his messy, unmade bed. She set the stuff aside on the floor and quickly made the bed, fluffing the pillows perfectly and grabbing the blankets at the end. She plopped down on the right side, draped one of the blankets over her legs and patted the empty spot beside her.

Bucky didn’t know what he felt inside him when he saw her welcoming face in his dark room. He gave her a watery smile and flopped on to his stomach beside her. She didn’t say anything, letting him clutch his pillow to his chest and covered him with the second blanket while taking the time to tuck it to his sides. It was a knee-jerk reaction, Y/N didn’t think much of it. However, for Bucky, that was enough for him get comfortable with her. Once he was he began to cry softly once more, his tears morphing into chest heaving sobs. Y/N didn’t say a word, knowing he needed to let it all out, even if it meant he cried himself to sleep. She bent over to pick up the tissue box beside the bed and passed it over. Bucky gave her another watery grateful smile and took a handful.

That evening Y/N sat beside Bucky as he let out all the pain he bottled up, offering only soft words of reassurance when he needed it, to remind him he was worth the time. He wasn’t pathetic. She gave him support in the time he needed despite hardly knowing him. For Bucky, it was something he wasn’t used to. He wasn’t used to this sort of support. His heart ached when it was slowly dawning on him that maybe he thought more of their relationship than she did.

It wasn’t until several hours later, with an empty bag of chips and chocolate wrappers strewn across the bed that Bucky was able to fall asleep, Y/N passed out beside him. Right before he fell asleep, he looked over to her slumbering face and wondered for the hundredth time that night why she was here. As Vivian said, he wasn’t worth anyone’s time. While his eyelids slowly slid shut from exhaustion, Vivian’s harsh words kept echoing in his mind.

_He wasn’t worth it._


	2. Chapter 2

“Has he left his room yet?” Sam asked early one morning. Steve looked up from his spot at the kitchen table, looking miserable and heartbroken. He shook his head and deflated in the seat.

It had been almost two weeks since Bucky and Vivian broke up. Ever since that day he hadn’t once left his room, despite the pleas from both Y/N and Steve. It was eating away at Steve, and Y/N was beside herself.

While the rest of the team knew things were over with Vivian, she already had a new arm candy she flaunted around the compound, they hadn’t the slightest clue what happened. Y/N asked FRIDAY to wipe the entire thing, she didn’t want to hurt Bucky even more by someone else seeing it and forcing him to relive it. It left everyone in the dark, but for the better. When he was ready, Bucky would tell them on his own terms.

Y/N shook her head with a sigh, pouring the hot water from the kettle into her cup. She mindlessly watched the tea seep into the hot water, her thoughts lost on the depressed man cooped up in his room. It hurt that he shut her out so quickly, especially after the night she spent curled up beside him. She had left him thinking he would be okay for a short time while she went to get food and water. When she came back with a sandwich, chips, and drinks for him, he refused to let her enter. She was flabbergasted. What happened in the half hour she was gone?

Now, two weeks later and she was at her wit’s end. He hadn’t left his room yet, and the only reason why she hadn’t broken the door down earlier was FRIDAY letting her know he’d sneak out at night to slip into the kitchen. He did everything possible to keep away from the team. Quite frankly, she was done.

Turning around to face Sam, he paused mid-bite at the determination on her face. He flashed a quick concerned glance at Steve before turning back to Y/N.

“Uh, oh.” He grinned. “I’ve never seen that look on your face before. What’s that for?”

“It’s the ‘I’m sick of his shit’ look.” Y/N grumbled and set her cup aside. Sam watched with middle fascination as Y/N stomped out of the room. Slowly he turned to Steve with a grin stretched across his lips.

“Your friends gonna get it.”

~~

Y/N rode the elevator up fuming. She was tired of letting him sit up in his room and stew, especially over the bitch Vivian. He needed to get out of his room and to not let her win by bottling everything up that happened between them.

She stopped in front of his door and hesitated a moment. Was this overstepping her boundaries? She didn’t know him very well, if at all. The longest she ever spoke with him was that night two weeks ago.

Taking in a deep breath, Y/N steeled her nerves and knocked on the door before she could back out of it. Like always, there was no reply.

“Bucky?” Y/N called. Silence answered, but she didn’t let that sway her. “If you don’t open up I’m beating the door down until you do. I know you’re in there!”

Counting to ten, she waited to see if he’d get up and open the door. Once again, he hadn’t even made a noise that he heard her. She sighed and set her hands on her hips. So, it was gonna be like this, huh?

“Alright, but I warned you.” Y/N shouted again and shifting her weight to her back leg. Using what little force, she could muster, she kicked the door, planting her foot on beside the door handle. The boom echoed down the hall when her foot hit the door, the door shaking loudly but still firmly in place. She heard a curse on the other side of the door, the first sound from him in weeks. Y/N smirked and raised her leg again, poised for the strike. Before she could kick out, the door swung open to reveal a very disgruntled Bucky.

He looked like shit, to put it lightly. Dark circles caused his eye to look sunken into his skull, his hair was a greasy limp mess of tangle on his head with an unkempt beard, and when he opened the door, Y/N couldn’t stop her nose from crinkling at the pungent smell that emanated from him.

“What?” He snarled with a scratchy voice, sounding raw from lack of use. Sucking in a breath of clean air, Y/N set her jaw and stepped up.

“Normally, you intimidate the hell out of me, but right now you look like a sad chihuahua whose been sitting outside in a drainage ditch in the middle of a humid summer in the South. And don’t growl at me.” She snapped, surprising herself at her sudden nerves of steel. Bucky recoiled, his eyes going wide in shock at her sharp tone. “Look, you’ve been locked up in this room for weeks and we’re all worried about you. I know Vivian hurt you, but you’re hurting yourself more by doing this.”

Bucky tensed and glanced around the hall, looking to see if anyone could have overheard her before yanking her in his room and closing the door behind her. Once the door shut, Bucky let go of his façade and sagged against her front. Y/N squeaked, barely catching him before he collapsed in her arm.

“B-Bucky!” She squealed and wrapped her arms around his waist to keep him steady. She froze when she heard his sob and changed her tone. “Oh, hey. Bucky, it’s okay. I know. It’s hard, she was horrible to you when all you did was give and give.”

Bucky nodded, clinging to her as he sobbed into her shoulder, soaking her shirt. She didn’t care, he needed this. He should have let her in weeks ago, he’d have healed easier if he let her in. Yet he was stubborn and refused to let anyone in.

It was as if he was punishing himself like he thought he deserved this. He didn’t know what he had done to cause Vivian to turn on him, but clearly, it was something he did. Why else would she suddenly turn on him like that? It never occurred to him that she was always that way, that she was simply using him for her own gain. Bucky thought it was because he was truly broken beyond repair. So he bottled it up, all the emotions that swirled inside him. He shut down, much like he had when he was with Hydra, numb to everything around him. It wasn’t until Y/N started to physically beat down the door that it snapped him out of it.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky sniffed, hesitantly pulling his head away. He struggled to contain the tears, he didn’t want Y/N to think he was too clingy. But she didn’t care, her smile warm and gentle. She shook her head and caught his tears with her thumbs.

“Don’t apologize for your pain. You have every right to be upset.” Y/N said softly. Bucky sighed, his breath hitting her face. Instantly Y/N recoiled. “Oh, okay. Yep. I wasn't joking about smelling like a drainage ditch. First things first, you need to shower and brush your teeth.”

Bucky frowned his face flushing in embarrassment. “Wh-why?”

“Because one, you smell and look like death. Two, we’re getting you out of your room into fresh air.” She level Bucky with a glare when he started to protest. “Nope. You lost the privilege of input when you willingly let yourself go.”

She nudged him to towards his bathroom, shooing him when he started to protest again.

“I don’t wanna hear it Bucky. Go shower, I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Bucky’s shoulders sagged, and he gave in. He stopped only to grab a clean set of clothes from his dresser and towel off the back of his desk chair. Y/N didn’t relax until she heard the shower running. While he did that, she turned to the mess of a room. It definitely looked like he hadn’t cleaned it in weeks. Letting out a puff of air, she got to work and started to tidy the mess.

She made a mental note to strip his bed when they got back right as he stepped out of the bathroom freshly showered. Y/N turned to the door and broke into a smile at the sight of him hovering in the door.

“Hey, look at that.” She grinned. “You look so much better!”

Bucky snorted, his eyes wandering around the room. He was shocked to see it spotless, all his trash that accumulated the past weeks gone with a fresh liner in the trash can. The piles of dirty dishes were mysteriously gone as well, his dirty clothes were gone and in a hamper. She even made his bed, fresh sheets sitting at the edge.

“Y-You cleaned my room for me?” He stammered. He couldn’t remember the last time Vivian did anything nice for him, let alone pick up something of his to clean. Y/N glanced around the room with a shrug.

“Yeah. It’s no big deal. You had other things on your mind.” She stated simply. Bucky let out a chuckle, feeling the tears beginning to form again. Thinking he was about to spiral back into a depressive mental state, Y/N quickly changed the subject. “I’ve already decided we’re going to town, but you get to decide what you wanna do.”

“Do we have to leave?” He grumbled. Y/N set her hands on her hips, her mouth in firm line.

“Yes, you need a change of scenery. There’s no arguing with me.” She clapped her hands together in front of her, startling Bucky. “Suck it up buttercup. Grab your shoes and then let’s get in the car, you can pick there.”

She didn’t sit around and wait for him to answer, Y/N had already walked over to link arms with him. He grumbled again but walked to his shoes where she let go long enough for him to slip them on with a pair of sock and then was linking arms with him again.

Bucky wouldn’t admit it at the time, but whatever she was doing sparked something inside him. She truly seemed to care for him and would do anything to make him happy. He watched her from the corner of his eyes as she dragged him through the compounded to the garage.

Not once did she let him sink deeper into his depression, always making sure he stayed out of his shell, even during the short ride to the park she didn’t stop. There she asked him about his interests, things he enjoyed doing in his free time. There wasn’t a moment where there was in silence between the two and for once, Bucky appreciated it.

He didn’t hear the voices in his head telling him he deserved what Vivian did and he wasn’t worth peoples time. Y/N managed to keep him occupied through their several hours long walk, her bubbly attitude rubbing off on him. By the end of the night, Bucky was more relaxed than he had been in a long while and it hit him hard when he sat back down in the car.

During the time he was with Vivian, not once did they have conversations like this. She hated small talk. It just wasn’t her thing unless it pertained to her and her life. Other than that, the time they spent together was in silence. Bucky couldn’t put his finger on it at the time what bothered him, he was so head over heels in love with her. Or at least, so he thought.

Being with Y/N, it hit him. Y/N was painfully shy. There were several times he’d see her run out or clam up when anyone new walked up to her. She only opened up around people she knew, like the rest of the team. But not him. He hardly ever talked to her, and vice versa. It wasn’t like he never wanted to talk with her, but he couldn’t find it in him to speak with her. She was so innocent, and even he was trying to find himself before Vivian, he didn’t want to taint her. When he started seeing Vivian, he hadn’t given Y/N much of a second glance. 

Despite her being shy and not knowing Bucky beyond seeing his breakup, she hadn’t stopped talking once. How out of her element had she been all day? Why was she so willing to put her comfort aside, for him all of people? Why him?

Bucky still didn’t believe he was worth anyone’s time, yet here she was, trying to convince him he was. The voices were still there, somewhere in the back of his mind, but they weren’t as strong as before. Maybe, with Y/N’s help, he might finally see that he was.


	3. Chapter 3

Several weeks had passed since the day Y/N all but dragged Bucky out of his room. She never left him be since, at least not until she knew for certain he was in a better place alone. It took time, but eventually, she was able to leave without worrying for him. It didn’t stop Bucky from rethinking everything Vivian said, wondering if she was right the entire time. But Y/N’s constant presences helped lessen the blow.

He found himself actively seeking her out when he’d slip into a darker mindset. Y/N had told him weeks ago that if he needed to seek her out, no matter where or what time it was, for him to find her. She had an open door policy and let Bucky slip in her room whenever he’d need it. There were times when he would search for her in the compound, almost desperate for reassurance. It didn’t matter if she was in the middle of a job or talking with Tony, Y/N would drop everything when he’d need it.

Bucky couldn’t quite remember when his heart began to flutter whenever he’d see her walk into a room, or his mouth go dry when he heard her laugh. It hadn’t really come to his attention. Y/N was a safety blanket he didn’t know he needed until he had it, a comfort that soothed his fears. It wasn’t until the others begun to notice how he looked at her that it was brought to his attention.

“You keep staring at her.”

The voice of his best friend caused Bucky to rip his gaze from where Y/N sat chatting with an agent. Blinking, he frowned in confusion at the smirk on Steve’s face. He scoffed and turned back to Y/N, his eyes narrowing when he noticed the space between the two smaller than a second ago.

“No ‘m not,” Bucky mumbled, clenching his fists in his lap. His less than convincing mutter caused Steve to snort and laugh. Taking out another chair from the table, he sat beside Bucky and turned to watch Y/N across the room.

“Alright. Then what do you call what we’re doing right now?” He asked with a cheeky grin. Bucky grunted, less than amused.

“We’re not staring. I’m sitting here waiting for her to be done with this kid’s debriefing.” Bucky answered shortly. Steve raised a brow from Bucky’s tone, the grin spreading wider on his face.

“Who, Jason? You know he’s happily married with a kid he’s about to adopt.” Steve asked, supplying Bucky with the name of the agent who was actively becoming too touchy with Y/N. Out of the corner of his eyes, Steve caught how Bucky tensed when Jason reached around Y/N to point at the screen. He saw the muscle in his friend’s jaw tick when she laughed, unconsciously leaning back into Jason. “He’s also as Natasha puts it ‘gay as the day is long’ or something to that effect.”

That caught Bucky’s attention. He spun around to pin Steve with a skeptical glare. When he saw no deception on Steve’s face, he instantly relaxed, relief washing over his own. That was enough proof for Steve.

“You care about her, don’t you?” Steve asked, his voice softening. Bucky let out an agitated sigh, turning back to watch Y/N with less intensity than moments ago. Steve looked on as Bucky relaxed into the chair, the obvious tension of another man being so close to Y/N gone.

That might have been odd for anyone else, but not to Steve. He knew his best friend, and he knew Y/N. In his personal opinion, Steve always thought they make a good match. However, Y/N was painfully shy when it came to meeting new people, especially intimating looking people like Bucky. Hell, it took him almost a month of talking to her rigid form before he finally got her to relax. Much like Y/N, Bucky was the same when he first came back from having the words removed in Wakanda. Steve wasn’t going to force Bucky or Y/N to play nice. A part of him wishes he did after the fall out Bucky had with Vivian. Maybe Y/N would have saved him from whatever pain he went through with him. 

“She’s a friend. Of course, I care for her.” Bucky’s quiet reply cut Steve’s off. Steve snorted and rolled his eyes.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” Steve didn’t press, couldn’t really. Y/N and Jason had finished, the two parts with a quick goodbye hug and a good luck from Y/N. She spotted the two giant super soldiers across the room, neither blinking when she turned to them. It was kind of hard not to when they had been staring nonstop for the past twenty minutes. She gave them an awkward wave before collecting her things from her desk to head over where they sat.

Steve stayed put while Bucky jumped up and rushed to her side. He watched the two interact, a slow smile spreading on his face at how they seemed to gravitate to the other. It was as if they were the only ones in the room, in their own little worlds soaking in each other’s presence. It showed in the way Y/N stared at Bucky with love and how Bucky practically melt with each touch the two shared. Bucky could sit there and argue he didn’t see her in that light until he was blue in the face, but it was evident. They felt something between each other, something Steve was hoping would finally help his friend find the peace and happiness he deserved.

“Ready to go eat?” Y/N asked, grinning widely at the two. Bucky nodded, but there was a look in his eyes when he turned to Steve that Steve read loud and clear. Clearing his throat, Steve stood and gave Y/N an apologetic grin.

“I would, but I’m gonna need a rain check for lunch today. Just wanted to say it in person instead of text.” He tried not to wince at how her face fell, but Bucky was there to pull her to his side. “You two have fun though. Don’t try that new Thai place without me though.”

Y/N giggled, leaning against Bucky’s side as she nodded. “Alright, we won’t.”

He waved them goodbye, his eyes never leaving them as the left, Bucky’s arm securely around her shoulder. Steve rolled his eyes and let out a chest heaving sigh when the door shut behind them. He rubbed his temples.

_You owe one pal._

~~~

“Fuck, Bucky!”

Bucky’s voice caught his throat at the sight before him. He was naked between Y/N’s open legs, his head tilted back to watch her reaction before he dove in to lap at her cunt. Y/N was sprawled naked with her head thrown back against his pillows and her eyes were clenched tightly shut. Her mouth had fallen open as another moan passed her lips.

The sight alone caused him to groan, swiping his tongue though Y/N’s folds. She was so wet, all for him. He rubbed his hips against the bed, needing to relieve the pressure he felt between his legs. Y/N whimpered, her hands scrambling to grab something, anything to ground her. He circled her clit with his tongue, grinning widely when she grabbed a fistful of his hair.

“Bucky!” She whined, rolling her hips in hopes of more friction. Bucky threw his flesh arm over her waist to pin her down while his metal hand trailed down the inside of her thigh. He watched in awe as her legs trembled, goosebumps forming from the cold finger.

Carefully taking her clit between his teeth, Bucky teased and torment the little nub with his tongue. His metal finger slipping in his side her wet heat, Y/N instantly clenched around the finger and her body jolted at the cool touch. Y/N moaned, breathlessly chanting his name.

“P-please.” She pleaded, tears begging to prick at the corner of her eyes from his teasing. She was right there on the edge where he’d been keeping her for the past hour. It was delicious torture, and she wasn’t sure if she was begging for more or for him to let her come. Bucky pulled his lips ways and looked up at her, his usually blue eyes nearly black locked with hers, all while slowly pumping a single digit inside her.

“Please what, baby doll?” He rasped. No, taunted. Bucky knew what she wanted. His hot breath against her cunt made her whine and she tried in vain to roll her hips back towards his mouth. A wicked grin spread on his face by her feeble attempts. He watched her chest heaved, her breast rising in falling with each breath. Unconsciously licking his lips, Bucky asked again. “Words, princess. You can’t get what you want until you tell me.”

Y/N groaned, her eyes fluttering shut. Bucky’s fingers stilled before pulling out entirely. He leaned back, untangling her hands from her hair in one swift motion. Y/N didn’t have any time to blink before his hand came down on her inner leg with a sharp sting. She yelped, her eyes flying open wide in shock.

“Answer me,” Bucky growled. Y/N shivered, her pussy clenching at the command. When she didn’t answer fast enough, Bucky sat back on his heels. In one swift move, he had her on her stomach with her ass in the air. She gasped, fisting the sheets beside her chest, stunned at how quickly he turned her around.

“Don’t answer me? Fine.” He muttered darkly, palming her one of her cheeks. “I’ll have to remind you who’s in charge.”

A slap cracked on her ass, Y/N crying out in shock. Another slap landed on the opposite cheek, the pain blossoming into pleasure when he switched back to the other. Over and over, Bucky’s flesh hand came down, relishing in the cries that spilled from her lips. He watched her skin darken with each slap, groaning low when she began to plead for more, sobbing into the sheets. He stopped after two more, gently cooling the skin with his metal hand.

“You did so well.” He cooed. Bucky sat back, eyeing her dripping cunt with hunger. “You seemed to like this, huh princess?”

Y/N vigorously nodded, wigging her hips under his palm. Bucky moaned low in his chest at the sight, his cock bobbing between his legs. She pushed her hips back against his palm, her legs trembling to keep her up.

“Fuck, look at you. You’re drenched.” He muttered. He gently gripped her hips tightly to spread her open for him to see, sucking in air sharply at her puckered hole. Needing to taste her again, he bent down and lapped at her cunt, his tongue swirling around her clit. Her taste exploded on his tongue, sweet with a hint of salt, a taste he knew he was addicted to. She mewled against the sheets, her eyes rolling back in her head when he slipped two fingers in her pussy, curling at just the right spot to cause her to see stars. “Shit, I can’t wait.”

Bucky pulled back to move up her body, using his weight to pin her against the bed. He rolled his hips against her, moaning softly in her ear before reaching down to guide his cock into her. Bucky snapped his hips forward, filling her to the brim with wide eyes. Y/N gasped, the wind knocked from her lungs. She hadn’t the chance to look at him before and he was huge.

Bucky grit his teeth, groaning at how tight she felt around him, her muscles fluttering around his cock. He had to stop, he needed to, or he’d come too soon. He wasn’t going to end this before it even gotten started. Y/N, however, was impatient.

“Bucky. Move, please!” She begged. It was almost endearing how desperate she was for him to fuck her senseless. Bucky chuckled and once he had control over himself once again, he set off to do just that. He slowly pulled his hips back, moaning at the way she tried in vain to pull him back in. Giving in, he snapped his hips back and began a relentless pace.

The sound of skin slapping filled the room, along with Y/N’s breathless moans and Bucky’s occasional grunts. He peppered kissed down her back, sucking at her the junction of her neck. Y/N chanted his name, reaching blindly back to tangle her hand in his hair. When she pulled, Bucky moaned out loud.

“Do that again.” He groaned, burying his face in her sweaty neck.

Y/N mindlessly did as he asks, tugging at his thick locks. He moaned again and bit into the skin. Y/N cried out. The pain didn’t even register, her mind filled with the endless pleasure Bucky was giving her with each thrust of his hips. She could feel the coil tighten in her stomach, seconds away from snapping.

“B-Bucky!” She moaned, tugging her lips between her teeth. “I’m g-gonna cum!”

“I’m right behind you.” Bucky breathed hotly in her ear. His metal hand slipped between her body and the bed, seeking out her to rub her clit. “Shit, cum for me. Cum!”

Bucky watched in awe as her eyes rolled back, her mouth falling open from a soundless moan when the coil snapped. She came hard, her cunt tightening around his cock. Bucky felt the air choked from his lungs and he was so close. Just a little more and-.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Bucky’s eyes snapped out with a gasp, his blood pounding in his ears. He found himself staring up at his ceiling with his mind swimming, chest heaving and drenched in sweat. Pinned to his waist by his sheets, his cock throbbed from the vivid dream that was already replaying, sound effects and everything.

What the hell what that? Bucky scrambled to sit up, staring wide-eyed at the problem between his legs. He never had a dream so real before, not even with Vivian. It was like Y/N was there with him, he swore he could still taste her on his lips.

A thousand thoughts were running through his mind as he struggled to come to terms with whatever that was. Did this happen because Steve made him think about Y/N differently? That couldn’t be it, he argued with himself. Things were still too fresh with Vivian, even if it had been three months since they broke up. That and she was already on her third boy toy.

No, he wasn’t ready for this. He shouldn’t be. Especially not with Y/N. His best friend, the one who helped him find his footing. Beautiful, wonderful Y/N. His Y/N.

No! Not his.

Bucky shook his head, trying to clear that possessive thought. She wasn’t his, she’d never been his. That he knew for sure. 

So why did it feel so right thinking about her being there, in his bed asleep beside him? Why did he suddenly crave to be buried between her legs, to hear those sounds spill from her lips? It’s never crossed his mind to think of her as more than a friend. So why was he thinking of her this way now?


	4. Chapter 4

There was something weird going on with Bucky. Y/N couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but he was being odd. It was like overnight he became incredibly careful not to touch her. He still sat around her, but he never sat as close as he had the days before. If she as so much moved five paces too close to his person, he’d bolt. If she sat down beside him, no matter how absorbed he was in whatever he was doing, Bucky would jump up like he sat on hot coals and put at least arm’s length between them.

Y/N would admit it. It stung. Every time he’d jump away from her touch, her heart grew heavier and heavier. She tried to figure out what could have set him off, but she drew a blank. Whatever caused him to pull away was something only he knew about, and it was getting frustrating.

Once again, he seemed to be running from the problem and not facing it. Even if she did something wrong (which she highly doubted) he needed to talk with her. Yet every time she’d try to bring it up, he ignored it. Well, ignore it was a little loose. It seemed anytime she’d get too close his face would turn bright red and stutter an incoherent excuse before bolting.

Y/N wasn’t a confrontational person, that had been established as such, but Bucky seemed to bring out that side that wanted to smack him on the back of the head. She’d have to take a deep breath with each excuse, ignore the pain that panged in her chest, and then tell her self to wait. Eventually, he’d come around.

Or so she thought.

It had been two weeks and now she was going crazy. She missed having Bucky around. On top of her missing him, it seemed he was doing worse than ever. Before she could be in the room and he would be fine but now she couldn’t even breath the same air before his face turned cherry red and he was out of the room with some excuse. He had heavy circles under his eyes and looked beyond exhausted as if he hadn’t slept in days. 

The others noticed his strange behavior and shift of appearance as well. Steve had tried asking Bucky what was wrong. Keyword; tried. He was met with a short reply he was fine and to leave him be each and every time. It wasn’t like Bucky. Something was wrong, and Steve wasn’t going to stop until it was fixed.

“Hey Y/N.” Steve sank into the couch one afternoon beside Y/N. He had just finished a shower after a gym workout, where he unsuccessfully questioned Bucky. Nearing his breaking point, Steve went to the only other person who seemed to get Bucky to open up. “I need your help.”

“I already told you, I’m not going through another one of your psycho training regiments.” Y/N muttered, her eyes never leaving the television. “I’m just now able to lift things over my head without my arms shaking.”

“W-no.” He blinked. “That’s not what I-. No. I need your help with Bucky.”

At the mention of his name, Y/N sat straighter and turned to Steve.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve actually been meaning to ask you about that.” She turned to face Steve on the couch with a sigh. “He’s got me worried.”

“So, you don’t know what’s wrong either?” Steve frowned, his stomach dropping. He thought of all people, Y/N would have an idea. “I was hoping you could help me figure out what his problem is.”

“Well, maybe we could figure it out together.” Y/N tried, not liking how Steve’s face fell. He resembled a kicked puppy sitting on the couch beside her, a look she didn’t like on him. Her offer seemed to help, Steve lifted his gaze from his hands to lock eyes with hers. “I only know he started to act strange overnight and that he seems to not want to be anywhere near me. I can’t figure out why or what I might have done to hurt him.”

Steve nodded along with her. He saw that too. A few weeks ago, he’d be practically attached to the hip with Y/N, but now it was like he couldn’t face her.

“He started losing sleep too.” Steve said hoping to remember whatever detail he could. “I caught him nodding off over his cereal bowl the other day. Would have done a face plant if I hadn’t woken him.”

“Okay, so it probably something sleep related. But what?” Y/N mumbled, running a finger along her lower lip while she tried to wrap her mind around Bucky’s sudden lack of sleep. She wasn’t able to figure it out. If she didn’t know, and Steve didn’t know, then Y/N doubted they’d ever know without asking him. And Bucky wasn’t sitting around long enough for her to ask. Groaning in frustration, she fell back against the cushions. “This man is so frustrating.”

Steve snorted and settled in beside her. “You got that right.”

The two sat and stewed, glaring at the news on the television. They were so engrossed both nearly missed the shape in the doorway that froze. Y/N felt his stare first, prickling at the back of her head. Quickly before he could run away, Y/N spun around to face Bucky. He froze like a deer in headlights, his hands clasped in front of him. She smiled at him, happy to finally see the blues of his eyes for the first times in weeks.

“Hey, Buck.” She greeted. Steve turned to watch the two carefully, his eyes narrowing at the panic that flashed across Bucky’s face. Bucky’s mouth fell open before his face turned bright red. Without another glance her way, Bucky spun around and sprinted out of the room. Stunned, Y/N slowly turned back to Steve.

“What the hell was that?!”

Steve was at a loss as well, his eyebrows almost in his hairline. This was just way out left field for Bucky. Even when he first came to the tower and was full of nerves, he never darted out of the room like he just did. He stuck it out. Clearly, Bucky was running from something. Something that had to do with Y/N.

Silence rang through the room as the two rewound the last five minutes. Steve let out a sigh first and spoke.

“So, psycho training, huh?”

~~~

Three more days had passed before Y/N was at her breaking point. She had somehow been roped into helping Tony with one of his experiments. According to him, she was free game if she was wandering the halls. Didn’t matter Y/N was supposed to be in meeting with Steve right now, Tony needed the help.

“Remind me again why I don’t push this thing over?” Y/N said dryly. Tony snorted, ignoring the mild threat.

“Because you’re too nice for that.” He stated. Y/N grumbled under her breath but couldn’t argue with him. It irritated her how well the group knew her. Tony smirked and turned back to his tablet, going over the blueprint once more.

“Hey Tony, I need you to look over my arm-.” Behind Y/N, Bucky walked in the lab glaring his arm while clenching his fist. He glanced up, freezing at the sight of Y/N staring at him over her shoulder. Like all the times before, his face went bright red a split second before he turned heel and ran out of the room. Y/N called out to him, hoping he’d stop but to no avail. Tony frowned and sat up.

“I don’t know what the hell his problems been.” He muttered. Quietly, Tony took his project from her hands and carefully placed it on the table. “Well.”

“Well, what?” Y/N asked, biting back her frustration. Tony smirked at the irritation swirling in her eyes and jerked his chin to the door.

“Go tell him off. I can see you want to.”

Y/N huffed, nodding as she stood. Yep, she was tired of his running. She wanted her friend back. She spent many sleepless nights thinking over things when it came to Bucky, and she had come to a bit of a revelation a few nights back. She cared for Bucky. A little more than a friend should. It took a while for her to come to terms with it, but Y/N realized she was developing feelings for him. Well, to be completely honest with herself, she had a massive crush. And why wouldn’t she?

Bucky was kind, sensitive and truly seemed to care about her. At least, that what she thought. She helped him in his time in need, brought him out of his shell and put the pieces back together after what Vivian did to him. And this was how he thanked her?! Nope, she thought, this wasn’t going to happen. 

“Bucky! Wait up!” she called, spotting him still at the elevator. His shoulders tensed at the sound of her voice and he began frantically pushing the button to the elevator. “FRIDAY do me a favor, turn off the elevator.”

“Of course.” The AI replied. She watched Bucky’s shoulder drop a split second before he went to the stairwell door. Y/N was closing in on Bucky, but she knew if he got in the stairwell, she’d never catch up.

“Lock the stairs door too.” She ordered, clenching her fist at her side. Bucky tried in vain, shaking the door handle to open. “Bucky! I said wait!”

He froze. His head snapped up to watch as Y/N stopped in front of him with her hands on her waist. She was furious.

“What the hell’s your issue Bucky?” she demanded, weeks of pent-up hurt and frustration coming to the surface. Bucky flinched at her sharp tone and frustratingly she felt a soft pang in her heart. Taking in a deep breath, Y/N willed herself not to let her irritation rule her right now. “Why have you been running away from me?”

Bucky let out a sigh, his head hanging low. He hated how he’d been handling things the past week, it’s just he couldn’t possibly look Y/N in the eye after the dreams he’s been having. They had been growing more and more graphic each sleep, and it got to the point where he was craving Y/N. He was dying to know how she tasted on his lips, he was desperate to see if she looked as breathtaking in person when she’d come undone under his touch as she did his dream. Anytime he looked at her, Bucky couldn’t stop seeing her laid out beneath him.

Because of it, Bucky had to run. He couldn’t be around her without worrying if he’d pin her to the nearest wall and acting out his dreams. It was by far the hardest thing he ever had to do. He hated seeing her face fall each time he’d turn away, the pain that twisted her face when he’d leave shook him to his core. But he couldn’t face her, not until he got everything under control. She meant too much to him to ruin their friendship over his stupid feelings. She deserved better anyways. Y/N deserved to be with someone who wasn’t so twisted and warped like himself.

“Are you even listening to me?!” Y/N’s voice cut through his thoughts.

She had backed him up against the door, his giant frame pressed as tightly to the metal door as he could. She was so close he could smell her perfume, sweet and maddening. He could feel her hot breath against his skin, igniting his insides on fire and his mouth drying instantly. Bucky hadn’t realized he was leaning in closer, his body unconsciously reacting to her closeness, craving to fill the distance between them.

“Bucky-!” She gasped, cut short by Bucky leaning forward to lock his lips with hers. Fireworks exploded in her stomach, her eyes going wide in a mix of shock and arousal that flooded her. Bucky’s stomach dropped when she didn’t respond right away. He was already pulling away when she snapped out of her haze. Y/N flung an arm around his neck and yanked him back, her eyes sliding shut.

Bucky let out a sigh, melting into the kiss and spinning them around to firmly press Y/N up against the steel door. She moaned softly against his lips, her mouth parting just enough to grant him entrance. His tongue dipped in, a groan bubbling up his chest at her taste. He had to have more. His metal hand cupped her cheek, tilting her head back. She moaned again and arched into his touch, trying desperately to press further against him. Soon the need for air pulled them away, both gasping for breath with their foreheads pressed together.

Bucky’s eyes fluttered open to watch Y/N, his pupils blown wide, blue swallowed by black. It still hadn’t hit him he actually kissed her and that she was more than willing to continue it. Yet he had, and it was even better than any of his dream.

“Holy shit,” He murmured in awe. Y/N giggled in response, her giggles growing at the shade of pink that spread across his cheeks. “I wasn’t supposed to say that aloud.”

“It’s okay.” Y/N chuckled, gently brushing his hair behind his ears. Bucky made a soft noise of appreciation and tilted his face into her palm. “Because you were right. _Holy shit._ ”

It was Bucky’s turn to laugh, smiling for the first time in weeks. He felt the tension slip from his body, the worry, and fear she’d reject him the main reason why he didn’t act on his feelings. That thought floated out of his mind when she pulled him back down to press another lingering kiss against his lips. Hesitantly, she leaned back.

“Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?” She asked sadly. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat, guilt bubbling up his throat. Tenderly cradling her face in his hands, he kissed her forehead.

“I-yes.” He sighed. “There’s more, but long story short, yes. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve the way I handled things.”

Y/N nodded slowly and dropped her gaze. She knew she didn’t, he didn’t just shut her out. He ghosted her. Which is hard considering they lived in the same tower, but he did everything possible to keep her away. This might not excuse him, but she knew he wasn’t the best with handling his feelings.

“I can kind of get it.” She began. “You just got out of a horrible relationship-.”

“No!” Bucky cut her off, vigorously shaking his head. “That doesn’t- Fuck. No. First off, fuck Vivian. I hadn’t realized how horrible she was or how manipulative she was until the end. And then you were there to pick me up and show me that not everyone is like that, that people can care for you. You treated me with more kindness and support than she ever had. So please, don’t think I distanced myself because of that.”

“Then why?” Y/N pressed. Bucky chewed on his lip, his shoulders dropping in defeat.

“It’s just- I’m not good enough for you.” He spoke solemnly. Y/N opened her mouth, ready to argue but Bucky kept on. “No, please. I’m a broken shell of a man who hurt so many people. You deserve someone who isn’t a mess, who can be there for you without worry they’d hurt you. I would only be a stain in your life.”

He stopped short when she placed a hand over his mouth, a reassuring smile on her face. Bucky was stunned at the kindness in her expression, the breath knocked from his lungs.

“Don’t sell yourself short.” She said gently, smoothing a hand along his cheek. “You are good enough for me. You’re sweet, caring and thoughtful. Everything Vivian told you was a lie, so please don't listen to anything she said. I like you Bucky. I like you a lot. And it kills me to hear you think so little about yourself.”

Bucky let out a shaky sigh, not completely believing her. He wanted to, desperately he wished he could, but this was hard for him. While he knew Vivian was a horrible decision relationship wise, her words still stung. Perhaps there was some merit to what the vindictive woman said.

Despite that, something told him he might just believe he was worth more if he had Y/N. It was because of her that he left his room and was able to get his feet back under him. The quiet woman that preferred her corner to the rest of the room managed to worm her way into his life and pushed him out of his own comfort zone.

“I like you a lot too. And I know I didn’t handle things right. I should have just come to you and talked to you about this instead of running.” Bucky sighed. It was his turn to step out of his comfort zone for her. “Do you think you could forgive me, and maybe let me take you out? To make up for things?”

Y/N giggled and nodded, a grin spreading across her face. “Yeah, I think I’d like that a lot.” 

Relief swept over Bucky at her reply, giddy for the first time in weeks. He knew he needed to make up for a lot of what he did, and he was more than ready to just that.


	5. Chapter 5

Weeks had passed since Y/N and Bucky began their new relationship. No one really knew about it, save for Steve’s lucky guess a week into it. She was happy with whatever he was comfortable with, there was no rush for her either. Neither hid their affection for the other, Bucky and Y/N were touchy to begin with so people would find it strange that they made up and didn’t go back to the way it was before. Still, they had agreed to keep most of their relationship behind closed doors where they took time to carefully explore themselves in peace. Bucky didn’t want to rush straight into things, he had done that with Vivian and well, Y/N understood his hesitation.

It was something Bucky greatly appreciated. Vivian hadn’t seemed to care what their label was. At first, she wanted it rushed, almost demanding they’d have a title. She wanted people to know Bucky was hers and that he wasn’t allowed to be anyone else’s. At the time, Bucky thought the fact someone was so willing to claim was a gift. With everything he’d done in his past, he was amazed someone still wanted him. However, the longer he and Vivian stayed together, the less and less she called him hers. It wasn’t until Y/N that his eyes were opened. Especially when he learned three weeks ago that Vivian had decided the titles only went one way.

“What?” Bucky sucked in air, his eyes wide and heartbreaking even further with the words that came out of Natasha’s mouth.

Natasha had an expression of discomfort where she stood in the doorway, arms crossed on her chest. Y/N sat beside Bucky, clutching his hand and glaring at Natasha in irritation. Y/N had already figured out as much, Vivian already had another man lined up immediately after her break up with Bucky, so it wasn’t a shock. Nevertheless, she didn’t wish for Bucky to know the truth just yet. Their relationship was still new, and he still had so many doubts to work through before she set that on his plate.

“I’m so sorry.” Natasha sighed, turning her gaze away from his broken stare. “I didn’t want to believe it either, but yeah. I had a feeling for a few weeks leading up to your break up. I didn’t have proof until a few days before you two split when I walked in on her with the new agent in a briefing room.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” Bucky’s voice cracked. Y/N scooted closer and wrapped her arm around his, tugging it against her chest. He didn’t even seem fazed, his eyes boring into Natasha’s frame with disbelief. “You-why did you keep it to yourself till now? Why didn’t you tell me after?”

Natasha sighed and spared a glance at Y/N. She was still glaring at the redhead, but she could see Natasha didn’t mean any ill will in telling him. Natasha thought this was what was best.

“In the state you were in?” She scoffed. “Please, I wasn’t going to be the reason why you were sent into the deep end. Besides, what would it have mattered if I had?”

Bucky fell silent, jaw clenching tight. Y/N pressed a gentle kiss against his shoulder, letting him mull over Natasha’s words. It wasn’t something easy to hear, it broke his heart more to know he was being used by Vivian. Y/N felt his pain, she recognized this would set him back from all their accomplishments. As much as she hated it, she also knew he needed to hear more of the truth.

Natasha quietly excused herself, letting the two sit in silence alone. It pained her too to say this, but he needed to hear it from one of them, his friends. She would wait for a later date to tell him of what she exactly heard Vivian say about their relationship. Natasha made sure Vivian understood what would come of her if she kept speaking about their past, but a threat could only hide the gossip for so long. The seed had already been planted, it was just a matter of time before it grew to the point it could no longer be contained.

Y/N assumed with this new information, Bucky would pull further away from her. She didn’t want that. Already she was starting to fall harder for him, but if he needed breathing room, she would step back to give him it.

When Bucky finally came around, he slowly turned his head to look where Y/N was leaned against his arm, gently cradling the warmth to her chest. She had closed her eyes, her brow creased at the middle with concern and worry. It didn’t go over his head, her care was as clear as day. At that, something clicked in his head.

He carefully pulled his arm from her grip, chuckling at her soft whine and twisted at the waist to face her. Y/N had begun to chew her lip, anxious about what about to come. She was surprised at the tiny smile on the corner of his lips, jumping when he cupped her chin. He didn’t say a word. His eyes bored into hers, searching for something, anything that would show him she was different. The search didn’t go on long. He had no doubt she would ever pull something like that on him, she’d never.

Bucky closed the distance between them, pressing a kiss to her lips. Y/N sucked in a surprised intake of air, her eyes going wide for a moment before they fluttered shut. The kiss was deep and languid, both taking time to savor the feel and taste. Bucky drew back first, a content smile spreading on his face when she tried to chase his retreating lips. He rewarded her with another quick peck before sitting back.

“I think we have a lot to talk about.” He murmured softly. Y/N, thinking the worst, started to tear up but nodded in understanding. Imagine her surprise when Bucky told her the opposite of what she thought. He didn’t think, no he knew she would never treat him like Vivian treated him. Y/N wouldn’t take his heart and stomp on it after spitting at his feet. She showed him how much she cared, how she much he meant to her in the way she lifted him up. Y/N would never drag him down.

“I want people to know you’re mine, and that I’m yours.” He stated with a hint of possession. Y/N blinked, her mouth falling open. Bucky chuckled and gently closed her mouth with a finger under her chin. “Is that something you’re willing to do?”

Y/N didn’t hesitate. She flung her arms around Bucky neck, knocking him back with the force behind it. He laughed, laid out on the couch with Y/N wrapped securely in his arms. Y/N giggled and nuzzled into his chest.

“Of course, I’m willing!” She cried the smile splitting her face from ear to ear.

Bucky felt his heart flutter and he had to bite the inside of his cheek. He held her a while longer, his official girlfriend, not a care in the world if anyone walked in and saw them laid out on the couch.

Since that night, Bucky didn’t hesitate or care what anyone saw anymore. The two unofficially became official with the team. They hadn’t said anything to them, but after Bucky absently tugged Y/N in for a kiss the next morning, they figured it out pretty quick. No one was upset, as a matter of fact, they all sighed a sigh of relief when he did. There had already been plans in the making to set them up with each other if they didn’t admit that they like each other. It was so obvious they would be perfect with each other.

Now that the rest of the team knew Bucky and Y/N were an item, Bucky felt a weight lift off his shoulder. Kisses between each other came more frequent and less time in between. He took Y/N out on dates, to the park and sometimes just to wander aimlessly through the mall. Not having to hide their relationship was the best feeling ever and Bucky kicked himself for being so against it earlier.

There was, however, one aspect that they hadn’t touch on yet. They had been together for almost two months now and they yet to have sex. It wasn’t like Bucky didn’t _want_ to open that door yet, he just wasn’t sure he was ready just yet. Y/N knew and understood, but she couldn’t help wanting that physical side of the relationship with him. How could she not? He was a beautiful man that was sweet and caring, he wanted nothing but to make her happy just as she did for him. So, when she brought up the subject one night during their weekly Netflix date, Y/N was hesitant.

“Hey Buck?” she began. Bucky hummed beside her, his giant body curled around her on the bed with his eyes still locked on the TV screen. “Are we ever gonna… are we-do you not-.”

Bucky paused the movie, turning to Y/N with a raised brow as she stumbled over her words. She flushed, fumbling to find the right way to put it, she did have needs after all! But she didn’t want to pressure him. However, they needed to talk about this to get on the same page. Why was this so hard?

“What’s up, babe?” Bucky asked gently, nudging her to continue. Y/N stumbled a bit more before her brain snapped and it just spilled out.

“Are we ever going to have sex?” There. It was out there.

Bucky blinked at a loss for words. Silence rang through the room, Bucky seeming to stop breathing at the thought. A dark expression passed over his features, startling Y/N. Without a word, he untangled himself from her and sat up in the bed with his back facing her. Y/N’s heart plummet.

“Bucky-I’m sorry.” Y/N back peddled, shyly reaching out to Bucky. She laid a hand on his back, frowning at his flinch under her touch. “We don’t have to talk about it now.”

Bucky let out a sigh, his shoulders dropping shame.

“No,” He whispered. “We need to talk about this.”

Y/N frowned and scooted over to sit beside him. He didn’t look over, his eyes lowered to stare at his hands. Gingerly, she reached over and took his metal hand securely in her own. His gaze followed, watching how she cradled his metal hand, completely unaffected by the cool touch. Just a simple gesture eased some of his fears, the doubt that Vivian pushed into his mind lifting a touch.

“Okay,” Y/N started tracing circles on the back of the silver. “Then I guess I have to ask. What’s made you so nervous? I just want to know if there’s any way I could help.”

“It’s not that I’m nervous,” Bucky exhaled. Flashes of memories he repressed came roaring to the front, causing him to wince. Y/N noticed and leaned into his side. “Sorry, I just-I don’t-.”

Now it was his turn to stumble over his words. A sad smile spread on her face. She didn’t know what the reason was, but she figured he had a good one if it caused him to clam up. With a tender touch, Y/N cupped his opposite cheek to turn his face towards her.

“We can take it slow.” She grinned. Bucky returned her smile with a strained upturn of his lips, less than convinced. Continuing, Y/N tucked his hair behind an ear. “We don’t have to jump straight into bed, I get if you need time. I just want to get to know you, your likes and dislikes. I want to feel you under me, above me and in the future, in me.”

Bucky chuckled, a blush spreading on his cheeks at her playful giggle. Y/N shook her head, still beaming.

“Serious note. I promise I won’t push you. We can go whatever pace you want until your ready.” Y/N reassured. “I just want to know where we stand and what boundaries I needed to follow. Your comfort is important to me too, and I can tell you’re not ready. That’s okay.”

Bucky doubted Y/N knew the weight of her words. She had no clue that this went above and beyond what he wanted to hear. Vivian didn’t care he wasn’t ready when they first started dating. He felt pressured to give in and give her what she wanted. Bucky thought it was normal. She was the first woman he dated in this century. Times had changed and so had the dynamics of couples, or so he assumed. At the time he was so desperate for any kind of relationship, he gave up his comfort for someone else.

Not Y/N. He could feel the sincerity in her words. He knew she’d never treat him like Vivian, she had already proven as much. Her words were one thing, but he saw it in her eyes, in the way she held his hand and cupped his cheek. She was nothing like Vivian.

His mind made up, Bucky leaned forward and kissed her firmly. Y/N squeaked, arms wrapping around his neck before she melted into the kiss. A quiet chuckle passed through Bucky’s lip, catching her lower lip between his teeth with a gentle tug. Y/N moaned softly, letting her mouth fall open to let Bucky in. He dove in, groaning at her taste. Bucky pulled back to let her breathe and began to press open mouth kisses down her neck. Scrambling to get her wits about her, Y/N started to protest.

“W-wait Bucky.” She sighed, her head rolling back despite her mind telling it to not. Bucky hummed against her neck, sucking a dark sport against the junction of her neck and shoulder. “You don’t- you don’t have to-.”

Bucky hummed again, cutting her with another heady kiss to her lips. He leaned back and smirked at the dazed expression on her face. Blinking rapidly, Y/N tried again.

“I’m serious. We don’t have to do anything until your ready. No pressure.”

Bucky’s heart swelled, and his grin widened. He nodded and pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

“I know. You just make it hard to want to wait.” He chuckled, ducking his chin. Y/N giggled and sat back. He sighed the small distance too much for him. Tugging her to his side, he motioned for her to settle back into their spot on the bed. “I know, I know. A step at a time. Let’s finish the movie.”

Y/N nodded and followed to settle on the blankets. Bucky made a noise when she put space between them and pressed his front against her back. Y/N just smiled and nestled further into his hold. With a final kiss to her forehead, Bucky switched the movie back on.

He knew he could avoid telling her the entire reason for his hesitation, he was good at keeping secrets. Nonetheless, he would have to tell her why he wasn’t ready to step into that part yet. Until then, he was happy with taking it a step at a time. 


	6. Chapter 6

A week after Y/N and Bucky’s talk, Y/N was perched on a bar stool in the kitchen, mindlessly flipping through a magazine. She heard the soft footsteps behind her and knew without having to look up who it was. A slow grin spread on her lips when Bucky leaned in and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“Morning doll.” His voice rumbled against her skin. Y/N giggled and leaned into the kiss.

“Morning handsome.” She purred, tearing her gaze away from the magazine to look up at Bucky. Her breath caught in her throat at his expression. His blue eyes were soft, happy and filled with warmth. Bliss. That was the word that came to her at the expression on his face. The corners of his eyes crinkled with his easy smile causing her stomach to fill with butterflies.

Reluctantly, he stepped away and towards the coffee pot. Y/N couldn’t keep her eyes from following, watching the way his size too small t-shirt stretches along his back muscles, the seams stretching to their breaking point as he reached into a cupboard for a mug. What was it with the men around here wear shirts that threatened to split with one wrong flex? Not that she minded. Y/N rather enjoyed the show she was getting this early in the morning, so much so she unconsciously licked her lips at the thought of dragging her tongue along the muscles. Of course, Bucky chooses that moment to turn and lean against the counter, catching her in the act.

His paused at the desire he saw on her face. It wasn’t unwelcomed, after all, he’d check her out whenever she’d wear those leggings that hugged her hips and ass the right way. But catching her shamelessly ogling did a number on his ego. 

He chuckled when he watched her face turn a shade darker, smirking as he flexed his chest. Y/N ducked her head to hide her embarrassed grin, daring a glance up at him through her lashes.

“See something you like, doll?” Bucky teased. He tried to keep a straight face, he really did. But when she groaned and buried her face into her hands, the laughter bubbled out. Taking large steps, he crossed the kitchen and took up the other seat beside Y/N. Bucky nuzzled his nose into her cheek, letting out a breathless laugh at the heat he felt on her cheeks.

“You know you’re allowed to check me out right.” He pointed out. “Matter of fact, I’d be offended if you didn’t check my ass out every time I left a room. God knows I do.”

“You check out my ass?”

“Don’t act so surprised.” Bucky chuckled, scooting closer to her side “You have an amazing ass. And as your boyfriend, I’ve earned the right to stare all I want.”

Y/N giggled and shook her head. Bucky took the chance to wrap his arm around her waist before he bent in and nip at her neck, grinning widely at the squeal Y/N let out. She tried to wiggle out of his hold but held firm. 

His playful bites turned into him rubbing his beard against her ticklish skin, having found that caused her to dissolve into a puddle of giggles a few nights ago. Her laugh did crazy things to his heart, it sent it pounding in his chest and somehow soaring with each squeal. His cheeks hurt from laughter and smiling, addicted to how freeing it felt being with her. The things she did to him.

“Oh god.”

Bucky’s blood went cold at the voice behind him and Y/N tensed. He couldn’t forget that voice, it still haunted him at night and taunted him with his demons. Slowly, he turned to face the voice and locked eyes with his ex, Vivian. Her face was twisted in disgust at the sight of the two practically pressed up against each other as if she had the right to judge them.

Y/N didn’t move, her breath caught in her throat. Mortification had begun to set in. This was the first time in the two and half months she’d been dating Bucky that they ran into Vivian. She knew eventually they’d have to face her, she was a top agent and while not a part of the Avengers, Vivian had become important. Whether it was intentional or not, the team didn’t have her around as often as before. They knew from Bucky’s reaction they’d need to keep Vivian away for a while. Y/N suspected Natasha had a play on it as well after she caught Vivian cheating on Bucky.

“Could you not do that in the kitchen? No one wants to see that.” Her voice practically dripped malice. Bucky tensed, nearly baring his teeth at the audacity from Vivian’s comment. Y/N placed a hand on his knee, subtly shaking her head when he shot her a look. He grits his teeth, anger welling in his chest. Vivian, incapable of sensing the mood, continued on. “I thought you could do better.”

“What?” Bucky snarled, offended. Y/N struggled to fight back tears, blinking rapidly in shame. Vivian scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Not you. Her.” Vivian snapped. Y/N gasped, her head swiveling around to gape at Vivian. What did she say? “I thought you could do better than this pathetic deadbeat. Apparently, I was wrong.”

Y/N mouth fell open. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bucky deflate and shrink back. Vivian scowled at them both, staring down her nose at the two before she rolled her eyes and spun at heel. But not before she threw one word over her shoulder that shattered the good work Y/N had been spending months on with Bucky.

“Pathetic.”

Without even thinking about her feelings, Y/N spun to Bucky. Her heart broke at the shadow that passed over his face. He instantly ducked his chin to hide behind his hair, the long locks covering her from seeing his expression break. But she saw how his shoulders began to tremble, could hear his breath hitch.

“Bucky, hey stay with me.” Y/N spoke softly. She reached out to cup his cheek. Bucky flinched, ripping away from her hand. Her heart dropped, and the worry settled in. All that work, and it was one conversation with the bitch, Vivian, to send him spiraling back into darkness. However, she refused to let him go back to the depression from months ago. “Come on.”

She didn’t let him fight her, she grabbed his hand in a firm grip and dragged him to her room. Bucky wasn’t in any mindset to struggle, the word bouncing in his skull.

 _Pathetic. Pathetic. He was pathetic._ It was a mocking chant he struggled to keep at bay for weeks. He was doing so well. Y/N made it easier to ignore the voice. But Vivian managed to wipe away all progress he had. He really was pathetic.

“Sit.” Y/N commanded, all but shoving him down on the corner of the bed. Bucky didn’t respond, instead stared vacantly at the wall in front of him. Tears fell from his eyes, looking every bit as broken as he felt. Y/N faltered but went to her closet. She grabbed a binder, a little something she had been working on or the past few weeks. She wanted to surprise Bucky when it was done, a gift for him to remember all the good he’s done. However, she knew it was needed now, finished or not.

“I don’t usually make demands of people but consider this a temporary character change. Quit sulking and look at this.” She thrust the binder into his chest. Bucky let out a puff of air, surprised at how forceful her tone was. He had absently grabbed the binder before she let it go and stared blankly at the simple black cover. “It was supposed to be a gift when it was finished, but I think you need to know what we all think about you.”

Bucky hesitated, uncertainty rearing its ugly head. Did Y/N really think whatever was in here would help? He highly doubted it.

Y/N made a face and sat beside him, gently opening the cover. Bucky blinked at the fancy title on the first page.

‘ _The Story of Buck.’_

Intrigued, Bucky turned the page. While a little unfinished, a picture of him in his dressage from the war stared up at him, his military information laid out on the pages. There were other photos, him with the Howling Commandos, a few of him and Steve in the war were spread out on the pages. Bucky felt a lump grow in his throat, his breath catching when he turned the page. There he saw the rare photos of him and Steve before the serum, somehow Y/N managed to find photos of his family. His sister and his mother stared back, the photo aged but still recognizable.

He paused to stare at Y/N, who looked slightly embarrassed. She motioned him to continue, struggling to keep her own tears at bay. Almost in a daze, Bucky flipped through the unfinished binder, swallowing past the lump that grew with each photo and article clipping about him. There were photos of him with the rest of the team, smiling laughing. There were news clippings of all the good he’s done, how he’s helped make the world a better place. It was all there, in one place to remind him of the good he’s done. He didn’t say a word, couldn’t, not even when he flipped to the empty pages. All he could manage to do was choke back a sob.

“You’re not pathetic. You’re not a deadbeat.” Y/N spoke softly, breaking the heavy silence. “You are worth something to a lot of people. People care about you and love you.”

Bucky slowly closed the binder, tenderly running a finger down the spine. How long had she been working on this? Why did she do this? He had a thousand question going through his head, a million and one reasons why he shouldn’t believe her. But somehow, she managed to squash that voice of doubt.

“You mean a lot to me. And the bullshit about me doing better? None of that’s true. I don’t want anyone else, I just want you Bucky. So please, please don’t think I deserve someone better.” Y/N took his metal hand to gently trace on the back of his hand. “You’re all I want.”

Bucky was at a loss for words. Just minutes ago, he was spiraling into an uncontrolled panic attack. Now, it was a thought of the past. Yes, Vivian’s words hurt but seeing the turmoil on Y/N’s face at his pain, that hurt Bucky more. He set aside the binder of the floor and turned to face Y/N. He cupped her face and tilted her head back to search her face for any lies or doubt. There was none to be found.

The smile the broke on his lips startled Y/N, but it was because of the intensity behind his blue eyes. They weren’t filled with uncertainty, rather they showed just how sincerely he cared. Desperate to show her how much, Bucky brought her face to him and kissed her.

Y/N let out a soft moan, leaning into the kiss, soft at first before it morphed into a heavy open mouth kiss. Bucky didn’t waste time, he dipped his tongue into her mouth, groaning at her taste. Y/N shuddered at the sound, goosebumps spreading down her arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him close, desperate to feel his body against hers. Having the same idea, Bucky wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her onto his lap, her legs on either side of his waist.

Bucky moved the hand that rested on her waist down to grab her ass, grinning widely at her moan. His metal hand wrapped around the nape of her neck. He pulled away to let her breathe, kissing the corner of her mouth, then her chin before spreading open mouth kisses along the skin of her neck. Y/N let out a breathy moan, her head rolling back to give him better access. His hand slid his hand from her back to her thigh, squeezing at the roll of her hips against his lap. He bit back a moan, eyes nearly rolling back into his head at the innocent movement.

For Y/N her skin felt on fire. He already had the ability to turn her into putty with a single touch of his finger, but this was new. She felt like he lit a fire inside her belly and only he could put it out. She needed to feel his skin against her. Y/N wondered what he’d feel like filling her, she craved it. But Bucky wasn’t ready. At least, that’s what she thought. Her eyes flew open, gasping when she felt his finger rub between her parted legs. This was definitely different.

He continued rubbing her heat, groaning softly at the whine that passed her lips. She rolled into his fingers, frantic for more. She could feel her underwear soaking with each stroke of his finger. Bucky couldn’t hold back anymore, not with how needy she had become. With quick and effortless motions, Y/N suddenly found herself in the middle of the bed on her back, Bucky nestled in between her legs.

The kiss he pressed to her lips was frantic, hot and messy. Bucky wasn’t going to stop now, he couldn’t not when this felt so right. His hips rocked against hers instinctively, desperately wanting the clothes between them to be gone. Y/N’s own hips rolled to meet him, moaning at his cock pressing against the thin cloth of his gym shorts. She didn’t have to say a word, Bucky had the same idea. He pulled away long enough to tug her shirt off, his following right behind. 

He sighed at the sight of her breast, cupping one with his hand before he bent down to take a nipple between his teeth. Y/N let out a high pitch wine, grounding her hips against Bucky’s. He grinned against her breast, worrying the sensitive skin with his teeth. He pressed open mouth kissed, sucking and nipping before switching to do the same to the other breast. By the time he was done, Y/N was lost to the sensation, moaning and writhing beneath him.

Bucky peppered kisses up her chest to kiss her once more. He pulled back to stare into her eyes, chest heaving against hers. Y/N was no better, scrambling to find any part of her brain to realize just where this was going.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” Bucky breathed, his voice full of adoration. Y/N’s heart fluttered in her chest, her face heating up. “Tell me you want this, doll. I don’t think I’ll be able to stop until I’ve had my fill of you.”

Y/N blinked. She should be the one saying that. Bucky was the one who didn’t want to open this door yet. But here he was, pupils were blown wide with desire, his hips unconsciously grinding into hers. Yes, she decided, she wanted this. She needed this.

“Please Buck-don’t stop.” She whined. Bucky didn’t need any more encouragement. He crashed his lips to hers, frantically wanting to taste her again. He needed this, desperately needed to fill her. He pulled away and groaned.

“I’m so sorry doll. I can’t wait, I’ll make up for it later. I have to be in you.” He moaned. Y/N didn’t have time to question, he was already ripping her pants and underwear off along with his own. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his cock, heavy and leaking in his palm. She licked her lips, mouth watering at the sight. Bucky didn’t notice the predatory look in her eyes, too busy staring at her glistening pussy. “Fuck.”

Y/N giggled, spreading her legs and rolled her hips. She was just as desperate and was tired of waiting. Bucky groaned at the sight and swiftly covered her body with his own. He rolled his hips, his cock rubbing against her heat between her folds, catching her clit with each pass of his head.

“Please Bucky.” Y/N whimpered, clinching to his shoulders. Bucky grunted and brought a hand between them to direct his cock into her welcoming heat. He wanted to be slow, she deserved to be worshipped. But he couldn’t hold back. With a roll of his hips, he was inside her tight heat, the breath knocked from his lungs. Bucky moaned, clenching his eyes shut.

“Shit, doll.” He groaned, struggling to keep his hips still. “You’re so tight.”

Y/N couldn’t respond. She had never felt so full before, Bucky reached places in her she didn’t know existed. Once she was used to his size, she rolled her hips. Bucky understood, stars exploding behind his eyelids. Any sense of tenderness slipped away, and he couldn’t stop himself from setting a brutal pace.

Y/N’s moans and Bucky’s grunts filled the room, their own version of music as they both chased their release. Bucky snapped his hips against hers, his pelvis dragging against her clit with each stroke. Y/N clung to Bucky, her fingers dragging down his back and shoulders. It only served to spur Bucky on. Growling in her ear, Bucky whispered the wicked things he wanted to do, how tight she felt around him. She felt like heaven and he never wanted to leave.

She was so close, right there on the edge. It didn’t help him whispering every dark fantasy she had in her ear. Bucky could tell how close she was by how she fluttered around him, groaning low knowing he was the one who did this to her. He slipped a hand between their bodies, rubbing her clit between his fingers. She gasped, back arching into the touch.

“That’s it, baby doll.” He breathed, watching her face in awe. “Come for me.”

Y/N shuddered at his touch and jolted with each thrust. Her eyes rolled back, his tilted his hips just right, and she exploded with a scream. Bucky grunted as she tightened like a vice around him. It didn’t take him much more, one, two, three snaps of his hips before he stilled and spilled inside her. He let out a long moan, burying his head in her neck as his body trembled in aftershocks.

Bucky recovered first, wrapping an arm around her waist to twist them on their sides, careful not to separate their bodies. He didn’t want to leave her warmth just yet. She was addicting, and he only had a taste. Why had he been waiting so long for this? Y/N didn’t seem to mind his koala like hold. She wrapped her arms around his neck, letting out a content sigh.

“That was… wow.” Y/N said breathlessly, grinning lazily against his skin. Bucky chuckled and nodded, smoothing a hand down her back. She savored in the way his breathing slowed and how his rapid heartbeat slowed against her chest. Her heart felt full, blissfully happy with how her afternoon had gone. However, the little voice reminding her of his previous hesitation grew louder. Frowning, she leaned back. “Wait. Bucky why now?”

Bucky closed his eyes and sighed. To be truthfully honest, he wasn’t sure either. Perhaps it was because he had something to prove to Vivian, that he really didn’t fit the label she gave him. But really it was because of one reason.

“You make me feel safe.” He admitted. “You don’t make me feel like this was something I had to do. I didn’t feel pressured. After I saw the binder, it just clicked. I was scared you’d use me, even though I knew you never would. It felt and is right.”

Y/N sniffed, tearing up at the tenderness in his voice. It dawned on her that this was more important to him than she thought before. This really had been eating away at him. Unable to find the right words, Y/N snuggled in closer to hold him tight. Bucky breathed a sigh of relief and held fast.

He watched as her eyes slid shut, and grinned when she began to snore softly against his chest. She already made it difficult to keep his emotions at bay. A slight twinge of fear begun to fester in the back of his mind, the taunts of Vivian coming back to light. This was why he was so nervous. He had a much deeper secret that he wasn’t sure Y/N would ever be ready for, a secret he craved but was ashamed to ask on. And that scared him.


	7. Chapter 7

The soft vibration from a phone on the bedside table caused Bucky to groan. He wrapped his arm around the warm body beside him and tilted his head into her hair, breathing in deep to savor her smell. This was becoming his new addiction, waking up to Y/N snuggled into his side first thing in the morning. Here, he didn’t have to stop himself from holding her too close or mapping out every detail of her face without coming across too needy. He felt at peace in the early morning beside her. It had been a long time since he hadn’t let the anger in the back of his mind take over. Ignoring the phone that woke him, he thought about everything that’s happened the past few months since Y/N made her way into his life. 

Bucky hated how angry he was. He detested that he was like this now. There were always angry thoughts of how he’d never amount to anything, how everyone was just biding their time until he finally snapped, and they could lock him up away for good screamed at him like an anthem in his head. Bucky despised that he was so ready and willing to snap the neck of anyone who looked at him funny.

Before the war, before Hydra, he wasn’t much of a confrontational person. Yes, he’d have to swoop in and save Steve day in and day out, but for the most part, he just liked to stay to the side and let other’s swing punches at each other. It wasn’t like him to want to pummel anyone who got too close to his friends and significant others.

He tried to keep it repressed and forced into the darkest parts of his mind. They were right. The war and Hydra changed his thoughts, manipulated him to be this fester ball of anger that was just growing with each day. Bucky hated how he was no longer in control of his life. To him, he should have died on that train, or better yet, during the first time, he was captured. He wouldn’t be where he is now, a ticking time bomb ready to blow.

When Bucky first came to the Avengers after his time in Wakanda, he was a mess, to put it lightly. Everything set his teeth on edge. It was like he was a feral dog that was brought out of the streets and into a new strange environment. Steve told him the others weren’t going to hurt him, they wanted him to be happier. Bucky knew that, but it still did little to soothe his anger. So, he simply stayed away on the sidelines, figuring out how to control his anger and grief quietly to himself. He wasn’t willing to put himself in the middle of a situation that might hurt the others. They deserved better.

And then he met Vivian. She was still new to the team, she had only just been granted the title of active duty agent. She was beautiful, vibrant and sweet, everything Bucky thought he needed. It was her that talked to him first. Bucky was sitting in the kitchen picking at the sandwich on his plate when she slid into the empty seat across from him. It took him a minute to realize she hadn’t made a mistake and was patiently waiting for him to look up at her. When he did, he was greeted with a blinding smile and a peppy hello. She was a bright ray of warm sunshine in his dim cold world.

After that, he found he couldn’t get enough of her. Any chance he could get, he was by her side, soaking in everything she had to say. She was the first person that didn’t seem to pity him. Vivian made him feel loved and accepted, and because of that, he was able to put aside those emotions of anger and resentment to focus on Vivian.

He had no clue that she would do what she did. It was after they became a couple that things started to go downhill. She spent more time around the other Avengers, something he wasn’t completely comfortable with at first, but she reassured him that they were just friends. She was new and wanted to meet new people. So, Bucky pushed aside the possessive thoughts. Yet things only started to get worse.

Vivian stopped making time with him, which of course bothered him. But he didn’t want to put a strain on their relationship, he pushed it aside and let her do what she wanted. Instead of her sweet words on encouragement, they turned into backhanded compliments. He didn’t think anything of it at the time. It was such a gradual change that Bucky didn’t even give a second glance. It didn’t however, stop him from trying to figure out what it was that caused her to push him away. He thought he wasn’t giving her enough time. Since the two of them started dating, Bucky found his groove and was on a lot more missions. Bucky thought it was in retaliation that Vivian started to pull away. He tried to fix it by stepping back from a couple missions, to keep his agenda open for her. But it only seemed to enrage her. Bucky, still trying to grasp at straws, thought perhaps it was the incident that happened months earlier in the bedroom.

To begin with, Bucky hadn’t thought he was ready for sex, even though he cared greatly for Vivian, it was still a work in progress allowing anyone to touch him without his clothes on. At first, Vivian was fine with it. But after a month or so, she grew tired of waiting. It started off with small comments here and there, most of it questioning whether or not Bucky was even able to perform. At the time he couldn’t admit it, but now, it hurt him to hear her say things like that. In the end, Bucky decided to give in. It would make Vivian happy and that’s all he wanted. Even though uncertainty bubbled in the pit of his stomach, he still went through with it. He thought things were better, they were better.

Yet over time, they grew less and less intimate. Each time seemed like a chore for Vivian. Not wanting to lose that sense of intimacy, Bucky decided to float a secret he had kept from her for a while. e ThisThis was something he craved, a part of himself that he kept at bay because of Vivian because he knew it wasn’t something a lot of people could handle. Maybe it could reignite their passion, bring back the heat in the bedroom. He thought he could trust her. Instead, he was met with remarks of disgust and treated like he was a vile human being. At that moment, Bucky knew he could never bring up that secret again.

Even with everything he was trying to fix, the antidotes he thought might bring them back to what they once were, things still went the way they did. Vivian showed her true colors, resulting in shattering all the improvement he had made in his life. It was all based on a lie after all. He receded back into his mind, letting those words of hate and anger rule him.

Until Y/N. She and him had barely spoken before she overheard the breakup. Even with hearing everything she did, Y/N still ran to him and made sure he was okay. Bucky knew this wasn’t like her, she was painfully shy and a bit of a recluse. Putting aside her discomfort, she was the one who literally tried to kick down his door when he was ready to give up. Y/N fought every step of the way to pull him out of the dark hole he was in. And she helped. More than he or even she thought she could. Bucky didn’t think that anything would morph into feelings for her, and obviously, he hadn’t handled it very well when it did. But in a very Y/N fashion, she didn’t let him run away.

Now they were in a relationship that, for once, he didn’t feel like he was walking on thin ice. Y/N made him feel loved and accepted, even with all his faults. Hell, she even made him a binder with everything good he’s ever done, reminding him how much she cared about him. She was special, different than Vivian.

Y/N would never treat him like he was dirt. Y/N lifted him up, made him realize that what happened with him and Vivian wasn’t normal. That still didn’t mean he was ready to open that side of his life to her just yet. Instead, he kept it to himself and bottled it away like he had before.

Ever since that night Y/N showed him her binder, Bucky had been on cloud nine. There wasn’t a part of him that wasn’t happy he decided to take the next step with her and getting to wake each morning with her pressed against her back, holding her tightly to his chest. Like right now. It was a long painful journey, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

“You know,” Bucky jumped at the slurred words against his arm. Y/N smiled against his skin, giggling softly. “If you answer the phone, they’ll probably leave us alone.”

Bucky chuckled low, dipping down to press a kiss against her temple. Y/N let out a sigh and curled tighter against his arm, whining when he pulled back to reach behind him. Bucky let out an amused puff of air and shook his head at the way her face scrunched up. Grabbing the phone, he scowled at the ten missed calls and thirteen text messages from Steve. He didn’t even have a chance to look at the messages before Steve called once again. Grumbling under his breath, Bucky reluctantly pulled back to sit up and answer the phone.

“What do you want, Steve?” Bucky grunted. Y/N rolled over and flung her arm across his lap, holding tight to his waist. The small movement caused his heart to flutter and his shoulders visibly relaxed. He nearly missed whatever it was Steve was saying, too busy looking down at Y/N’s peaceful face with a dopey grin. “Sorry pal, repeat that to me again.”

He grinned when he heard the exasperated sigh on the other side of the phone.

“I know it’s early, but I need you to focus Buck. Fury needs us to meet in an hour to debrief for a mission.” Bucky could almost hear Steve rolling his eyes over the phone, chuckling at the thought. _“Bucky!”_

“I heard you. One-hour, debriefing room. Anything else?”

“…No.”

Bucky snorted and hung up, tossing the phone somewhere on the foot of the bed. He twisted around to wrap himself around Y/N, burying his face into her neck. Y/N let out a giggle when he rubbed his scruff against the skin of her neck, tilting her head back to give him better access. Bucky peppered kisses up and down the column of her neck, sucking at her pulse point. 

“Bucky.” She whined, but her bliss out grin gave away the fact she was enjoying the attention. Bucky hummed but continued his assault on her neck. “If you keep this is up, you’ll be late for your debriefing.”

Chuckling against her skin, Bucky kissed up her neck to her cheek, stopping just short of her lips. He paused, hovering a breath’s length away from her lips to lock eyes with hers. She couldn’t stop the smile from spreading in her face at the twinkle in his greyish eyes. It was such a simple reaction to his expression, but it was enough to knock the wind out of his lungs.

Sighing deeply, Bucky closed the distance and kissed her soundly on the lips. Y/N melted into his kiss, her eyes fluttering shut before she tilted her head back. Bucky took his time, running his tongue along her lower lip before he tugged her lip into his mouth. Y/N groaned as he gently sucked and let go, taking the chance to slip his tongue into her mouth. The kiss turned headier and deeper. Bucky cupped Y/N’s cheek with one hand, while his other hand gripped at the back of her neck. Y/N mewled softly into the kiss, rolling her hips against his. He pulled back from the kiss to begin kissing down her neck once again.

“Bucky.” She whined. He hummed against her throat, nipping and sucking deep bruises into her skin. All the while, Bucky kept his hips rocking against hers with long and deep drags between her lips. Unable to control her moans, Y/N struggled to get out her words. “I’m serious. You can’t be late again.”

Bucky had to bite his tongue from saying something out of frustration but pulled away. Without another look at Y/N, he sat up and started to get out of the bed. Y/N frowned. This was unusual.

“Hey,” she said, reaching out to grab his wrist. He tensed at her touch. “I know it’s not what you want to hear\, but you’ve missed the last four meetings because of me. I don’t want Fury to kill you any more than he already is.”

Bucky sighed, unclenching his fist. She was right. He was being ridiculous and was using her to skirt his responsibilities. Turning at the waist, he gave her a soft smile.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Y/N relaxed, gently squeezing his wrist before letting him go. He stood, the sheet falling off his lap and she was gifted with a wonderful sight of his naked backside. Suddenly, she was kicking herself for kicking him out of bed. Bucky moved around the room, fully aware the way she was drinking him in. It wasn’t like he planned this. Pretending to be none the wiser, he grabbed a pair of boxers and shirt from his dresser and went to the bathroom. He stopped short, smirking over his shoulder to Y/N.

“Wanna join?”

Not needing any other invitation, Y/N jumped out of the bed with a flurry of limbs and all but dragged Bucky into the bathroom. He laughed at her eagerness, pressing his front to her back while she started the shower. She giggled when he started pepper kisses along her neck and leaned back against his broad chest. Bucky guided her into the shower, wrapping an arm around her waist to keep her close.

Y/N knew they shouldn’t be doing this. Bucky was already in deep shit as it was with Fury. But when he pressed her from against the cool tile and rolled his hips against her ass, the thought flew right out of her mind.

She whined, her cheek pressed to one side against the tile letting her watch Bucky over her shoulder. He caught her eye, and grin wickedly before he dropped to his knees. Grabbing a handful of her ass in each hand, Bucky squeezed hard. He smirked at her surprised squeak and let go of one side nudge at her legs to spread her open. At the sight of her dripping cunt inches from his face, so wet and ready for him, Bucky groaned low in his chest and dove in.

He groaned at her taste, licking a long stipe along the inside of thigh to collect every bit of her, smirking at the fact he could so easily make her moan. He slipped a finger into her heat, his tongue flicking circles over her clit. \Bucky curled his fingers, searching for the spot inside her he knew caused her to see the stars. She trembled, gasping at when he was successful in his search. She scrambled to find purchase on the wall, trying in vain to ground herself. His lips closed around her clit and sucked deeply, moaning against her pussy.

“Oh, fuck!” She cried out, her legs trembling around his head. The vibration from his moan shot shivers up her spine. “Bu-Bucky! Please, more!”

Y/N threw her head back, blindly reaching behind her to grab his hair to keep in him in place. It felt so good, her hips rolling back against his mouth. Bucky grunted and grabbed her hips to keep her steady. His tongue took place of his fingers, thrusting in and out of her pussy, growling against her. Y/N cried out once again, the coil in the pit of her stomach tightening as he sped up. Suddenly, his flesh hand cracked down on her left ass cheek, startling her. Her eyes flew open and a surprised moan spilled from her lips. The sound fueled on Bucky, eager to hear more of her sweet noise come from her lips. With another crack, Y/N suddenly felt herself thrown over the edge, screaming his name and her legs trembling to keep her upright. Bucky didn’t slow until she whined and tried to pull away.

He stood in one swift motion and pressed her tightly against the wall. At this point, the water had started to run lukewarm, but neither could feel it. His heat flowed off him in waves, his cock at full mast was pressed tightly between her ass. Y/N whimpered and rolled her hips back, needing him to slip inside her. He chuckled darkly, reaching between them to press the tip of his cock against her entrance, but making sure to keep himself from slipping in. Instead, he rolled his hips, tauntingly keeping her from what exactly it was she wanted.

“Consider that punishment for kicking me out of bed.” Bucky rasped hotly in her ear. Y/N whined and shook her head, for what she wasn’t sure. She needed him to fuck her already. “You have to tell me what you want, baby girl.”

Desperate to find words, Y/N’s mouth fell open to reply. Instead of a coherent sentence, a jumbled sob that could possibly resemble her begging spilled out of her mouth. Bucky laughed and leaned down to nip at her neck.

“Not exactly what I was looking for, but we’re in a time crunch.” With that, he rolled his hips and slid inside her tight, wet heat. He muffed a groan into her neck, letting her have a moment to adjust before snapping his hips all the way out before slamming back in.

The air was knocked from her lunges, Y/N’s voice caught in her throat when he slammed inside her. He set a brutal pace, fucking her into the now warm title on the wall. She flung an arm back around his neck to fist his hair and tilted her head back to rest against his shoulder. With her eyes closed, Y/N focused on the way his wet skin slid against her back, his muscled chest firm and unmoving. His hips never falter, even as they neared their climaxes together, Bucky losing himself to the feel of her around him. For the second time that morning, she was seconds away from falling over the edge. The sound of his moans and grunts echoed in her ears, the noise alone would have been enough to send her toppling.

A hand wrapped around her neck, and once again for the second time that day, Y/N’s eyes flew open in shock.   
Bucky was completely unaware his hand had crept up to her neck. Y/N brain was struggling to keep up with the new shift, but even though it was different, the little voice in the back of her mind was telling her to give into it. Bucky would never hurt her, that she was certain of. Throwing caution to the wind, she relaxed into his hold.

Bucky could tell by the way her walls were fluttering around him that she was close. Her hips rolled back to meet his, and her moans grew with each snap of his hips as she grew closer and closer.

“Bu-cky I’m so close.” She moaned. “Please, harder!”

Bucky groaned in response, tightening his hand around her neck. Her air supply now cut off, Y/N’s eyes rolled into the back of her head. Clinging to his metal arm around her waist, Y/N cried out as she was pushed over the edge once again. Bucky groaned, his hips faltering until he too came deep inside her, pressing his hips tightly against hers.

The two slowly came down from their high, Bucky’s hand loosening on her neck, but still wrapped firmly around her neck. Y/N chest’s heaved as she sucked in air, a blissed smile spreading across her face. This was a new side of Bucky, he had never decided to spank her or wrap his hand around her throat before. To be honest, she didn’t even know it was a kink she had. But now that she had a taste, Y/N could tell she’d want more.

Bucky himself was coming down from his own climax, only he was coming down differently. It took him a moment to put the piece together. It all clicked, and the blood drained from his face. Ripping away from Y/N, Bucky pulled stumbled backward to the other side of the shower stall. Y/N turned to face him, bewildered.

“Bucky?” She asked, reaching out for him. Bucky shook his head, refusing to look at her. It didn’t take her long to figure out what set him off. “Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t mind any of this. I liked it.”

Bucky pressed up against the glass when she stepped in front of him. His wet hair clung to his face, and he flinched when she pushed the hair from his face. He whimpered, tilting his face away from her. He was so ashamed. He let himself get too comfortable with her, he almost ruined what they had.

“James. Look at me.” She said sharply, her tone suddenly hard. Bucky was stunned. It was the first time Y/N ever used his first name. Reluctantly, he looked at her from the corner of his eyes, waiting for the worst. “I’m not upset with you. I know you won’t hurt me. Like I said, I like it. Yeah, it was a shock, but it’s something I enjoyed.”

She could tell from his face that she was less than convinced. She let out a sigh and leaned in to press a kiss to his chin.

“Look, we can talk more about this later. Let’s get cleaned and then you go on your debriefing. When everything’s over we’ll talk.”

Bucky nodded numbly, looking away. Y/N let out another sigh and pulled him into the water, taking over helping him clean up. She could tell by how his shoulders slumped he was still ashamed of himself. Biting her tongue, she reached for the shampoo bottle and got to work. For now, she knew it wouldn’t help to try to get him to talk. Bucky would need reassurance that what he did was okay, but she couldn’t give it right now. All she could hope was if she repeated it enough, her words would drill into his head to drown out his own.

“I’m serious Bucky. I’m not upset. I could never be with you.”


End file.
